Today we watched the presentation “Rachel’s challenge” at school. I have so many things I can/want to say about it. First, the shootings were an awful event and I pray for the souls of those who died. Rachel knew she was going to die young, and she knew that she was going to affect millions. Now I’ve always thought that I could possibly die young, that I could be the one involved in the next fatal car accident. I know it’s a possibility. She knew it would happen. I am going to make an impact on the world that remains once I have died. People have asked me what I want to do with my life and my only definite response is “Help people.” I want to do something to help teenage girls struggling with depression, low self-esteem, or addictions. Today not only made me want to put that into action, but also has instilled in me a desire to work with all teenagers, not just girls. I can not pinpoint the reason why but I believe it has to do with the reactions of the guys at my school. Though few flat out cried, many had glossy eyes. I won’t forget the expressions of a few specific people (who I won’t mention) They’re those people that I’ve always thought had something deeper to them, but never talked to. You know those people who just give off the awesome vibe but are being pushed down by other things. Yes, well many of them cried today and now I am going to make an effort to talk to these people. It was truly inspirational. Though few ideas have come to my mind about how I would like to achieve my goal, I know for certain I want to do so. I have considered the idea of starting a location for teens to hang out, stay out of trouble, and talk to people who can help them with the issues they are facing. I do not know how I will be able to do this but I know that God will guide me to do whatever it is he wants me to do. I will help people. I will change lives.

Now Rachel had 5 goals/challenges
1. Eliminate all prejudice.
2. Dream big dreams-and write them down.
3. Surround yourself with good influences.
4. A little act of Kindness goes a long way.
5. Start a Chain reaction.

Rachel put all her effort into being kind to the disabled, new and bullied kids at her school. She saved lives this way, with simply a kind heart. There are many people I would like to get to know at our school (names) They seem to take a lot of negativity and insults. Also my goal is to be nicer to my friends and those who I talk to frequently. I know how much a mean comment hurts, struggling with self-esteem issues myself, and I want to stop my hypocrisy NOW. No matter what my mood or happenings in life, I vow to be loving kind, and open to other people. I vow to Love.

In terms of eliminating prejudice in my life I am going to stop judging people, especially those who may have less natural intelligence or those who make more money. I vow to stop stereotyping people in my school and to accept everyone in all their fears and failures.

My huge dream I have written down already, to be able to help teenagers in any way possible. I want to be a good influence on other people, a positive encouraging role model. I vow to do something with my career instead of being put in a mundane workplace. And if I die while I have yet to accomplish this dream, I hope and pray that someone will carry it on for me.

The fourth objective is quite cut and dry and all I can really say it that I vow to do just that; be kind and compassionate. I vow to remind others that they are beautiful and loved, that they can do whatever they aspire to. I vow to do small acts of kindness every day, all for the glory of God.

Start a Chain Reaction. There is nothing I can promise to do except to stick to all the promises I have made so far. Love is contagious and it will spread like wildfire if shared with just a few.

This is my reaction to today and I will end with two quotes:

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” -1 Corinthians 13:4-8

“I believe that Love is the answer and I believe that Love will find a way” -I Believe (With Jesus is the Answer) Building 429

The second quote is from a song I heard twice today. I listened to it on my way to school this morning and it happened to be a song used in the presentation as well. God speaks in amazing ways.

Sweet 16 today
She’s looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.

But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer; sticking
little white flowers all up in her hair.
“You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you
don’t mind I’m only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time.”
With all that I’ve done wrong I must have done
something right to deserve her love every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.

She’ll change her name today.
She’ll make a promise and I’ll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I’m thinking and I said “I’m not
sure-I just feel like I’m losing my baby girl.”
She leaned over…gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
“Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it’s just about time.”
“Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don’t cry!”

Oh, with all that I’ve done wrong I must have
done something right.
To deserve your love every morning and butterfly
kisses-I couldn’t ask God for more, man this is what love is.

I know I gotta let her go, but I’ll always remember
every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses.

So must of you have probably heard that song at one point in your life. I know for me it was on our jukebox at home and it was also the song that I always danced with my dad for during Daddy Daughter Dances. Oh yes. Remember those? I loved those growing up. There was nothing better then spinning around in circles in your dad’s arms. They were great. Well as I got older, those dances stopped happening. But why? Why is it that once you reach a certain age, going to a dance with your dad becomes lame. I wouldn’t mind going to one now, though I know it wouldn’t be the same. And then I realized why the song Butterfly Kisses was an appropriate song for these dances, because it’s the truth. Once you hit your teen years, your dad begins to fade out of your life, and when you go off and get married, your dad will find it hard to let go. It’s what will happen.

I heard this song yesterday for the first time in a long time and as I listened to it, I read through the lyrics. By the last verse I was beginning to cry (and I don’t cry usually in sad movies/songs) and I wasn’t sure why. It was then that I realized how true the song was and how little I spent time with my dad anymore. It made me want to change that. Now whether or not that happens is a different thing because my dad and I have become very different people. I suppose this was just a little reminder to remind your dad you love him, despite your differences, because one day another man will replace him in your life and he will miss you dearly.

The same goes for your mothers as well. My mom is moving to Tennessee in the next week or so. Though we’ve promised to have Skype dates and talk all the time, things are going to be strange. Being a teenager I’ve been busy a lot and I haven’t spent that much time with my mom and now she’s leaving. Just imagine if your mom (or dad) was no longer in your house or even a short drive away.

I suppose the point I’m making is that you are not too cool to hang out with your parents. Talk to them, spend time with them, be ridiculous with them, open up to them. It really is an ok thing to do. Remember that they might now always be there. Savor the time you have with them. Make the extra effort. They love you. Try to show them that you love them too.

Who are you to tell me
That I’m less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don’t need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won’t try, I won’t try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I’m looking into the eyes of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me

You don’t define me, you don’t define me

Those are the lyrics to the Barlow Girl song Mirror. Now I will share my story. Growing up I got put down a lot and it caused me to have a lack of self-confidence big time. The past two years especially have been a struggle for me. I hated how I looked. I felt that everything I did was wrong. I never participated in class or came up with my own opinions because I always felt I was wrong. I had a strong desire for attention and it led to me being upset frequently. And how did I handle that? Not the good way, trust me. It began with an obsession about staying healthy which was ok because I played soccer and volleyball, but it later became skipping meals here and there. And then it got to the point where all I needed was a meal a day and I was ok with that. Some people worried about me but I reassured them it was fine. One day I decided it wasn’t what I wanted anymore. I told my older brother, Tim, about what I was doing and he told me that it was terrible for me and that I had to start eating two meals a day at least. I love him a lot and therefore wanted to do what he asked so I did. There were days where I would get really upset and every once in awhile I wouldn’t do what he asked, but for months I ate two meals a day because Tim asked me to. Now after awhile I knew this wouldn’t work forever because if I was ever mad at Tim, I wouldn’t eat just to spite him. So I began to pray more intensely about it and get to confession about it. I kept asking God to convince me I was beautiful. My friends told me, hundreds of hundereds of times, but I never believed them. I was at skylodge over the summer and for some reason something hit me. It may have been the girls around me-the ones who were beautiful on the inside (Crystal and Jocelyn-I love you guys. Just so you know) – but something changed in me. I still struggle every once in awhile but I have begun to realize that people care about and love me, and that no matter what anyone says-I am beautiful.

Now I want all of you ladies out there to realize that. Our culture feeds you all this crap about how you should be perfectly skinny with big boobs and a painted on face. Well you know what? All it is is a lie. Trust me. Don’t believe the garbage they feed you. Think about some of the most beautiful people you know…Are they beautiful because of their small jean size? How about because of their eyeshadow and cover up? I doubt it. I know some of the most beautiful girls in my life are the ones who radiate joy from their hearts. They smile all the time and are constantly caring about other people. Those are the people who are beautiful. So next time you look in the mirror, remember that the mirror doesn’t define who you are. God created you in HIS IMAGE. He loves you. You are beautiful. And if you ever need to be reassured you give me a call.

The reason I posted the lyrics to this song is because this is the song I listen to not only when I did something out of my comfort zone or extraordinarily well, but when I’m down about myself. Blast it and sing it until you believe it’s the truth. If you don’t really care for the song, another one I like is Evanescence-Everybody’s fool.

God Bless.
A girl with God given beauty.

This is something I do too so don’t think I’m being a hypocrite. I understand. How often do we make fun of people or laugh at people who can’t do something we think would be relatively easy? I mean I think it would be easy to do a lot of things that people do-such as get rid of an addiction, take normal classes in school, or even just avoiding habits others can’t control. They seem like simple things to me, but I’m not the person who is doing these things and I don’t fully understand them. I mean sure it’s easy to stop an addiction to drinking in thought but what do I know? I’ve never had an addiction. So whenever you laugh at someone or think they are stupid or terrible at a certain thing, remember, you can never fully understand what they’re going through.

Also my other point-which is kinda similar- stop looking down on people (and I don’t mean literally) Stop thinking you are better at things then other people, that you’re more mature, stronger, smarter, or whatever. Remember that you have your flaws too and you should humble yourself. Know that you can’t possibly understand what the other person is up against. When you think you are better at something, thank God for that ability, however take that time to find something that you fail at or lack in. It’s a good habit to get into. Humble yourself before the only perfect one, (By the way-that’s God)

So the point of this.
We’re all equal.
We have our good qualities
and our flaws.
Stop judging.
Love each other-for real.

In Christ,
Jenna

So today, I was sitting on the train on the way home from Chicago, reflecting on the day….and other stuff. So I was thinking about all my character flaws per say and the ones that really bothered me the most were my self-esteem, my pessimism, and my unhealthy desire for attention. I realized they’re all related and then I pondered the root of them all. I know it comes from my childhood-not to bash my parents- but growing up in a a sarcastic, pessimistic household, where my parents trusted me so much it appeared as if they didn’t care, didn’t help. I acknowledge that as the reason (as well as being a teenage girl) for my issues. Now the problem with that is I don’t want to be that way. It hinders my ability to have relationships with other people because I become so emotionally dependent on them for attention that I don’t care as much about them and I spend all my time sulking and getting frustrated. It makes me angry, because I want to have good healthy relationships with other people where we care about each other and stuff, but I just have these barricades in the way. I want to get past them. I just don’t know how.

I would rant about my self-esteem and pessimism but you probably already know that, so I won’t. I just want to point out that it’s irritating because it hinders my school work-because i lack confidence in my intelligence and answers, and it hinders my friendships, because I never want to speak up…It’s annoying. Very much so…gar. And my pessimism…I wan’t to be slightly happy and optimistic-not insanely so, but more then I am… Ok so I did kind of rant. oh well…
I feel like since it’s such a deep rooted thing, I should talk to someone, who understands that kind of stuff. I want to change. Really, I do. I dislike these character traits so much it makes me want to cry. I want to change from my past experiences, not dwell on them. I just don’t know how. Sigh.

The majority of us (unfortunately) judge people based on their natural attributes. When a girl walks past a group of guys and they whistle at her. When someone gives a speech in class and you laugh at their lisp. When someone walks past and everyone whispers about how ugly they are. The thing is, it doesn’t matter what these people look like, sounds like, dress like, act like; They are all of equal value in God’s eyes. God doesn’t look down upon some people because they have a lisp (Moses had a speech impediment) He doesn’t look down on anyone. Our value is not in our looks or intelligence. It’s based in the fact that we are created in the image and likeness of God. So who are we to decide that one person is not that great? We can’t. Only God can. Our wisdom is nothing compared to his. (1 Corinthians 1:19-20)

Now another thing we tend to do is decided that someone is not as good as we are; We decide they are a horrible person, a slut, a druggie, etc. Do we have the right to do that? Nope. Do we have the right to point out people’s sins and decide they are worse then us? Nope. (Luke 6:37-42) We are not to be hypocrites. We are all sinners. We have no right to condemn others.

So as you go to school or to work, remember that no matter what you would like to think about a person-you have no right to judge them and they are worth just as much as you.

The book I am reading (Every Young Woman’s Battle) talks about how every girl has a mold for the guys she’s attracted to. The woman who wrote the book talks about how her mold is a guy who is a mix between her older brother and her father. I began to ponder this, wondering what my “mold” was. The woman said she overcame her attraction to such guys by just spending time with her dad and brother. As I thought about the guys I was attracted to, I realized they were all a bit sarcastic (a characteristic of most of my family members) but they were also really strong in their faith, striving with all they have to be followers of Christ. I thought about the guys in my life growing up and was puzzled because none of them really fit this description at all. I realized that my “mold” was not really a person I knew, but a person I wished I had growing up. To this day, I wish that I had a father who cared about God. I’ve decided I will spend more time talking to my youth pastor and other such people in order to help me overcome my attractions.

Now, something I constantly think of is how in a relationship it is the responsibility of both people to help each other grow closer to God. They are supposed to offer what they have in order to help the other person grow. I think about this because all the guys I am attracted to ever are strong believers and seem to have so much figured out and when they are confused or struggling with something I feel like I don’t know what to say. I feel like if I were to get into a relationship with one of these guys I would have nothing to offer, nothing I could say would help them grow. I’m sure this is a silly thought to most of you but it’s something that I think about frequently.

In Christ,
Jenna

How many of you guys have thought something along these lines? Some thoughts crossing through your mind that you are not that great and you don’t deserve to be loved, cared about, or respected? Anyone? Everyone? If not, great. That’s awesome. I think the majority of people have however struggled with this at one point or another. So for those of you still struggling, I have an answer.

God loves you.

And here is where a lot of you role your eyes and stop reading. If you choose to be that person, fine so be it. I would hope that you would continue to read, however.

God made you. He is so in love with you. And you should be to him. I know it’s something you’ve probably heard before many times and been like yea ok w/e….but that boy…Well here’s a newsflash to you. Who created that boy? *cough* God *cough* So who should you be in love with? The boy? Or the God who loved you enough to create you (and the boy)?

My point is this. Don’t let guys (or girls) distract you from the God who loves you, created you, and cares for you. Over the next few days-and forever if you so choose-when you spend your time daydreaming about that person or talking to them or w/e, take half (or more) of that time and give it God. Pray, read your bible. Get a chance to know him better, so that you can fall in love with him. I promise you, you will have this lasting joy. You will know you are loved and cared for. You will be at peace, if you truly fall in love with God.

Why doesn’t it matter? Because as I ranted this all to my friend, he gave me some pretty great advice.
He said:

Dont let yourself control you. You have the power to keep control of yourself. The one thing i have noticed between followers of Jesus and those who don’t is that they don’t have control over themselves as we can. What sets us Christians apart from the world is that we can resist temptation and control ourselves from doing wrong. You just need to remember that your mind is powerful it can make you think something totally different when it’s not even true.”

Now I think that advice holds a lot of truth and to me for some reason it just struck me. It made me realize what my overthinking does. It leads me to believe things that aren’t true. I let my “wicked and deceitful” heart rule me. I’m going to cut that out. I think that is something everyone should try to stop. Let God have control over who you are.

Now the next part of my day, as far as God being amazing goes like this:

Yesterday, after a conversation with a good friend whom I love, I had a little chat with God and asked him to remove all desire to be in a relationship as well as my almost obsession with talking to this boy. So I figured, God works on his own time. I’ll figure this out for now. But then today when I got home, I was doing picture stuff on the computer and that boy signed on and I thought, “I didn’t even notice he signed on. I supposed I could talk to him for a little bit.” I was nowhere near how I usually act (which I shamefully admit is like a giggly teenage girl) Anyway, I was like God pwns.

So basically. Even though my day had some interesting ups and downs, in the end, God came though in my life and through my friend’s advice. Yay God. I am now currently holding within me a contagious happiness that I want to share with people.

:-)
I am happy. I am joyful. I am falling in love with God.

I went to youth group last night and once again instantaneously upon walking in the door, I didn’t want to be there. I was in a great mood until then but just being there made me angry and upset. This is not what it supposed to happen! We played a game-I sat out. Shocking I know. Then we talked about using your talents to do something for God’s kingdom. I thought about what “talents” I had. Photography…poetry(ish) And I was like what can I do with that? I didn’t put much thought into it. Then we were asked what our passion is/who we felt called to help. For me that was easy: teenagers struggling with depression and low self-esteem. And how was I going to go about helping these people? Good question. Someone told me I should become a motivational speaker, but I don’t want to be impersonal and just talk to a large group of people. I prefer one on one conversations, which can happen, but still. I don’t know. There really was no point to that paragraph. It was kinda just me thinking. Sorry.

Ok so we went to worship and I sat down and was like “Why am I so freaking ticked off when I’m here?” It was something I could not figure out until Rachel and I talked about it. It has to do with past memories-good ones. Our youth group used to be spiritually on fire and I loved it. Now I don’t know what happened to it, but we’re not growing spiritually at all. I don’t know why I go anymore. Our youth group lost it’s fire for God. Other things that have changed a lot within the group are the people. We lost all the “older” kids, people have stopped bringing new people, and all the “younger” kids have begun to cause more drama and do things that steer are focus from God in my opinion. I don’t really want to attend this youth group anymore, but I feel that if I leave, others will feel like they can stop coming too and then there will be no youth group and I would feel horrible for all the people who only go to that youth group. I want my youth group to be alive again.

I was thinking of all this while Daniel was playing worship music and I thought that maybe I should focus on the words. At that moment came the words in the song Draw Me Close to You: “Cause nothing else could take your place, to feel the warmth of your embrace.” Though slightly out of context I thought back to two separate times where I was sitting on my roof stargazing. One time I was peaceful and calm, and as I laid there I wished that there was someone who would lay next to me, hold my hand, and stare up at the sky with me (yes this is slightly lame) The other time I had had a really long day and I was crying and frustrated so I went and sat on my roof and I was wishing someone would just randomly stop by who would cheer me up. Then I thought about how God was there for me, to comfort me and cheer me up. I tried to relax and I felt God’s presence…The moral of the story: I thought of how God’s presence is better then any boys presence and that nothing can take the place of God. As Anika told me in my last post: It should not be God + Something = Happiness. It should be God + Nothing = Happiness.

Now the next song was We Must Go. The line I began paying attention at was: “Keep us from just singing. Move us into action.” And it made me realize that I think of all these wonderful points that I blog to all of you, but how often do I put them into action. I mean I try…but how hard do I try? Not very much unfortunately. So I apologize to all of you for not taking my own advice and being a hypocrite. I would like to let you know that I am going to try my hardest and with the grace of God, I plan to change this.

My last point was a metaphor. Last night I was sitting in on the floor, a tad bit sprawled out. I wanted so badly to hug my knees to my chest and put my head down, but I didn’t. The way I was sitting I felt exposed and vulnerable. I wanted to be hidden and left alone. But I realized exposed and vulnerable helps people learn. It allows others to enter in and help them. So I stayed the way I was, my weakness exposed.