Wow…it’s been awhile
So…I wish I had something inspirational and intelligent to say, considering it’s been forever. However, this is just a summary of my life or my thoughts or something. Don’t feel the need to give me pointless advice-though intelligent stuff would be nice.
So today, I was sitting on the train on the way home from Chicago, reflecting on the day….and other stuff. So I was thinking about all my character flaws per say and the ones that really bothered me the most were my self-esteem, my pessimism, and my unhealthy desire for attention. I realized they’re all related and then I pondered the root of them all. I know it comes from my childhood-not to bash my parents- but growing up in a a sarcastic, pessimistic household, where my parents trusted me so much it appeared as if they didn’t care, didn’t help. I acknowledge that as the reason (as well as being a teenage girl) for my issues. Now the problem with that is I don’t want to be that way. It hinders my ability to have relationships with other people because I become so emotionally dependent on them for attention that I don’t care as much about them and I spend all my time sulking and getting frustrated. It makes me angry, because I want to have good healthy relationships with other people where we care about each other and stuff, but I just have these barricades in the way. I want to get past them. I just don’t know how.
I would rant about my self-esteem and pessimism but you probably already know that, so I won’t. I just want to point out that it’s irritating because it hinders my school work-because i lack confidence in my intelligence and answers, and it hinders my friendships, because I never want to speak up…It’s annoying. Very much so…gar. And my pessimism…I wan’t to be slightly happy and optimistic-not insanely so, but more then I am… Ok so I did kind of rant. oh well…
I feel like since it’s such a deep rooted thing, I should talk to someone, who understands that kind of stuff. I want to change. Really, I do. I dislike these character traits so much it makes me want to cry. I want to change from my past experiences, not dwell on them. I just don’t know how. Sigh.
